Hope Deferred, But Not Gone

 A week ago, I was so looking forward to this Monday’s post. I could not wait to tell all my readers that this was the day I would be flying to Honduras to minister in schools, to worship, speak, and fulfill a prophetic word given to me in January of 2020. I was so excited to remind everyone that God is a God of promises and that He will fulfill the words He gives to us.

Unfortunately, I will not be flying to Honduras today. This last weekend I had another miscarriage. On Friday I received word that because of pregnancy complications and the closeness to the trip, I could not travel during this time. My suitcase was packed, my Spanish worship songs were learned, and I already had a pinboard of nursery ideas for the new baby that I will not use. I sat and like any other person that receives disappointment, I asked God why? I felt that everything that I was looking forward to was being stripped away in a matter of minutes. I cried, I stared out the window but was looking at nothing, and I had emotions of guilt, sadness, blame, and worry all come upon me at once. My hope was deferred and my heart felt sick (Proverbs 13:12). 

My dear friend reminded me to lay it all at Jesus’s feet and gaze at His face. So, I did that. I laid it all down and I turned on my worship music and I looked to Him. In that moment I heard the lyrics of my favorite songs stand out like God turned the volume up on the scriptures He wanted me to meditate on. “My steps are ordered by the Lord.” “You will soar on wings like eagles.” “wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength.” “Come to me, I’m all you need.” “I am the Lord your God.” In that moment, I did not receive an answer to my why, but I didn’t need one. I knew that God was not taking things from me, He was using a bad situation to draw me in, close to His heart and back in His arms again.

Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to make my Heavenly Father proud. But, in the moments of wanting to please God, I have found myself striving for His favor or love by the things that I do. As my “doing thing” was cancelled, I felt that same pleasing spirit come over me and God reminded me that He doesn’t need me to do anything, but rather be close to Him, to find peace in His rest and worship Him in spirit and truth. He knows I like to be about my Father’s business, but this week He is reminding me that being with Him is enough and to trust Him with my hurting heart. 

Yesterday, in the quiet of the afternoon, I sat on my piano bench and as I started declaring God’s goodness through song and telling Him that no matter what, I loved Him, I felt His song of peace over me. I sang to Him “All I need is to be at your feet, let my tears wash them for you my King.” When I was finished singing, I looked down at my piano and saw my tear drops lay on top of some of the keys and I pictured them being the feet of Jesus, just pouring out my song to Him and letting my tears be an offering. 

Even though my situation brings grief and sadness, I will still remind us all that God is a God of promises and that He will fulfill the words He gives to us. He is always good, He is faithful and He is the Rock that is higher than I. Today, I may be still and know, but there is always tomorrow, and I will keep my hope in Him. My hope may be deferred, but it is not gone.